WORKERS OF INIQUITY

       Generalizations are fun, and distrust is prevalent in these parts. For that reason, I thought it might be fun to make a list of professions that I don’t trust. Statistically, most people will tell you that lawyers, bankers, and politicians and the least trustworthy, while police officers, nurses, and doctors are the most trustworthy. I don’t have much interaction with politicians, bankers, and lawyers, but I suspect drug-use on the part of those of who find doctors and police officers to be especially trustworthy. Welcome to Mr. Montoya’s neighborhood. Here’s my list of untrustworthy professions. The order is personal, but not necessarily from greatest to least or vice-versa.

1 Cops 

If you think cops don’t lie, then you clearly haven’t had much interaction with them or have been mystified by the gleam of the badge. Detectives routinely lie to suspects to get them to confess, “we’re not looking to prosecute you, but we do need to know what happened.” Similarly, if you’ve even been arrested, scrutinize the police officers arrest report. Cops complain about the unreliability of eye-witnesses and people at crime scenes, and similarly criminals and witnesses ought to complain more about the dubious memories of cops. Suddenly 32 year old pastors turn into foul mouths, 5’4 mothers become brawlers, etc.  Cops are often more honest than most coming into the job, but as seasoned veterans  if they "know" you’re guilty and lack evidence, they’ll make the evidence they need.

2 Doctors 

Do you really think doctors are equally committed to each patient? Doctors working in public hospitals, treating the beneficiaries of social services likely don’t have enough minutes in the day or patience in the soul to give poor patients the same amount of attention they give to the more prosperous patients who show up to their private suburban practice, located in some air conditioned office park. Similarly, while all doctor’s are expected to be competent, some seem to be a little more competent than others. Who hasn’t heard of an inveterate doctor who ignores the little requests of patients? I know of incompetent surgeons who’ve nearly cost patients their lives because of their errors, but less dramatically, I’ve heard about patients who had to argue with their doctors to give them prescribed follow-up treatments that their doctor forgot about, or who had to insist on renewing their prescriptions that their doctors insisted they didn’t prescribe. Forewarned is forearmed! Ray Ray Montoya is putting you on notice: the medical profession closes ranks and protects a fair amount of drunks and amnesiacs!

3 Waitresses

    Waitresses are very often beautiful women who put a lot off effort into charming diners who they find annoying or unmemorable.  There’s nothing wrong with  wait staff flirting with diners- it makes the experience more enjoyable, but I’ve seen more than a few waitresses give bogus phone numbers or falsely promise to meet up with customers who didn’t quite understand that waitresses are always on the clock.

4 Truck Drivers

    Up for days at a time in some cases, fueling themselves with high doses of caffeine and stimulants, and in many cases coming home for only days at a time, more than a few truckers have been psychopaths. People with keens noses have told me that truck-stops reek of stale sex, and looking in truckers gift shops where very often all sorts of mace cans and blackjacks are sold along with standard smut, I do wonder what cargo a teamsters carries with him. I sense some of you will think this generalization is just plain unfair and simplistic.  To which I reply that all of these generalizations and bits of hearsay have been unfair and simplistic, but let me ask you this. When you see an Asian massage parlor or “adult” book store with a sign that say “truckers welcome” what does that bring to mind?

5 Clowns (Mimes/Santa Clauses/Costumed Types)

It’s a small minority of people that actually find red-wigged, ivory painted grown men who make honking sounds amusing. I’m not convinced that most children find them amusing, but even if they did, most children think Mcdonald’s is the best restaurant around and that the Jonas Brothers are a considerable musical talent. Most adults find them annoying as shit and are a little frightened of whatever the make-up, large shoes, obnoxious clothing and wig are concealing. Same principal applies to anyone who wears extensive make-up or costumes professionally. See Stephen King’s “It” or Rob Zombies “The Devil’s Rejects” for a more accurate and therefore less disturbing interpretation of clowns.

6 Landlords

 I get too angry just saying the word “landlord” to be wry, insightful, or even amusing about landlords. Landlords get paid each month for merely owning something that you live in. In my experience, important repairs or maintenance can be delayed a few days or even months, but a more regular schedule is kept where rent is concerned. What more can I say about a profession that allows parasites to make more money than they ever invested in their property while causing tenants to struggle each month just to survive? Like bad parents, they don’t spend a lot of time helping you do things to be better or more responsible individuals, but they are more than ready to assert themselves every time the control freak they bottle up gets loose.

  Haha, and that’s how I ruined a perfectly good dinner with the Pope. Where was I? A laugh a second around here.  I won’t delve too deeply into the more obviously or clichéd untrustworthy professions, only to say that security guards don’t have extensive background checks, training, or authority-but they usually want the last two, Catholic priests are men who are choosing not to marry or live with women, and many overly enthusiastic store managers are wannabe-professionals who have deluded themselves that they are going places and make their employees miserable in the meanwhile. And before I go, unskilled temporary day laborers are most often ex-cons, drug addicts, and transients. Do you feel as dirty for reading this as I do for writing it?

Reality Television: Life in Mr. Montoya’s Neighborhood

My friends and I, when we’re not busy doing hours worth of lawn-care or checking on our investment banking and hedge funds, like to discuss the kinds of reality television shows we’d create if we had money to invest in stupidity. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that the Fox network would broadcast anything from snuff-films to midget porn if it thought it might result in profits, so good taste need not inhibit our imagination.  Some ideas:

-MAN VS BEAST: The show would pit humans against animals both directly and indirectly. The first half hour segment might feature men trying to roll over vehicles, then bears or big cats trying to do so. In a more Homer Simpsonesque vein, the second half could see cash-strapped or overeager celebrities in physical combat with animals. Tell me you wouldn’t like to see Flavor Flav or William Shatner box a muzzled and gloved polar bear! Of course as America gets more “Romanized,” the show can get more gladiatorial or brutual-but only with the well being of the celebrities. The trained animals would be the real stars.

America’s Fattest Families:  

Fox/Sky/Murdoch will be working overtime trying to find anything socially redeeming about this show. In essence, this show will be camera crews following around morbidly obese families and paying special attention to their eating habits. Meals catered by fast food restaurant chains would be the highlight of the show, and producers could pay bonuses to the personages of the program for rolling around in tubs of gravy, making head dives into pizza, and forgoing utensils. Other highlights might include a trip to the fair-the family bouncing around in inflatables, public pool outings, and irate family members going to diners.

The Rumble: 

  If you’ve ever see the Taiwanese or Japanese parliament when things break down, then you’d understand my bold vision. Nothing is more exciting than elected officials breaking out into fisticuffs. After a few weeks of stock footage, from Asian parliaments, the show could announce it was moving westward, promising 15 minute interviews with participants in E.U. or American parliamentary/ legislative brawls. Be honest, you could think of a few demagogues and media-whores who would love to show their “zeal” and “passion” by commenting on footage of themselves in brawls with their political opponents. Initially, we’d have to settle for elected officials, local and national, but we could extend the format to include any celebrity fighting in an open forum or formal setting. It would get to the point that anytime Pat Buchannon went on MSNBC promos would hype it up as follows “Will the conversation be intellectually stimulating, or will the fascist Irishman express himself the way he does best? Find out tonight.” Something tells me O’Reilly might just be egomaniacal enough to call out any number people in hopes of boosting his ratings-only to get his dentures knocked out.

When Women Betray:

 It is my sworn and solemn duty to remind you that reality television isn’t quite reality. With all the scenarios being so contrived and the personages so coached, it’s seems more like television improv to me. “When Women Betray” would be reality television in name only.  Ice-T, since he does anything, can host this show and introduce each segment before going to the “real life” footage of actresses conspiring against their men. One segment might have grainy footage and poor audio with sub-titles of a woman hiring a hit-man to off her aging, wealthy husband. The scene could end with detectives and the spurned spouse kicking down the door and slapping the cuffs on the woman. The husband could really ham it up, screaming about betrayal and how meaningless it’s all been. Another segment could purport to show the very moment a woman decides to cheat on her man. There could be about 15 minutes of an evil, flirtatious courtship, then the kiss. Fade to black. My favorite show will involve a man looking from the outside in as he see his brother and his wife in bed, obviously getting entangled. He then storms in, shooting both of them.  A good natured Ice-T wraps up by saying, “Unfortunately, Marc is facing murder charges for the shooting deaths of his wife and brother. While we here at “When Women Betray” certainly don’t advocate breaking the law, I think it’s safe to say we’d all want to do the same thing.”

YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHO’S GAY!

  Misleading television executives would sign dubious contracts with various celebrity closet-cases. The celebrities might think they were being paid to make appearances or appear on more conventional reality television shows, but the fine print would reveal that “YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHO’S GAY” had the right to show up to their homes, haunts, and private functions at anytime they so desired. Let the forced outing begin! Cameramen could burst in on Kevin Spacey en flagrante with his “personal assistant.”

  Tom Cruise could be recorded shouting “It’s not gay if I’m on top” while in the throes of passion, disillusioning his fellow upright Thetans.

It’s Too Loud and I’m Too Old

As all refined people know, expressions of  gangster/homeboy sexuality are the enemy. Their muscular, tone bodies and strong complexions only remind me of my own inadequacies as a flabby, tight-belted, unfashionable thirtysomething codger. We’ve  all seen those bumper-stickers (which I disagree with by the way) that say “If it’s too loud, you’re too old.” Well, to riff on a similar withered vein, I must bring to your attention that I don’t like people who play their music loud enough that I can hear every single lyric, and I can’t help feeling mildly insulted/irritated when some young punk walks around with his pants past his knees to the point where I can see the entire outline of his ass protruding through his boxers. Like I said, it reminds me of my own temerity and lack of appeal. However, I’m non confrontational and believe that love will solve all problems.  I will go behind young black,white, Latino, men and tell them just how much I admire their physical fitness as revealed to me by the exposure of their undergarments.

“Hey man, nice boxers, ooooh, baby.” After verifying the tautness of some young man’s hindquarters I could compliment him.  In another, similar situation: “Man, looking at your rear I’d have to say you’re in shape, tiger.” These young men, bright with positive self-image and health would no doubt appreciate the kind words of the paunchy, balding white man known throughout the neighborhood for checking out their asses. Although I’m overflowing with praise, I do have a question I might need to ask:  “What do you gangstas do if you get in a fight? Do you have an “emergency belt” that you gird around your waist in one single fluid motion? I guess the same applies to running." I’ll spare your pristine sensibilities only to speculate allowed that certainly bodily functions, during and after must be akward if fabric gets caught or puffs out like I think it might. 

The Uncle Tells a Story

    I remember the first time I saw a locomotion engine rolling down some tracks.  I saw some cattle being transported in a box car, and I hopped in, g’warm.  The cow hands on the other end of the line told me it was the damndest thing they ever saw- a man riding the freight train when there was a passenger train to ride for only 25 cents. "Do I look like I have 25 cents, asshole?" I asked. Those cowboys guffawed over that one. It was at the time that I pioneered the art of train-hoppin' a few years before canned beans and overalls, but I digest.
   Cowboys is all Texans and in Texas they don't hold no stock in evolution or the moon landing, but they do value the pro-wrestling. Now I hear a lot of queers, sissies, and  Democrats claim that professional wrasslin ain't real, but apparently they ain't been in the front rows, spat on, bled on, and sweat on. Well, let me tale you one time I was at a county-fair outside of Ft. Worth, and  I seen that there were a tough-man contest with  a prize of $10 to the man who could stand for 10 minutes with a man known as "The Colossus."  My memory ain't quite what it used to be, but as  I remember, the  Colussus's name was Jason Krueger, and he would later be arrested for chainsaw murders on Halloween. He was tusslin with another one of them travelin' wrasslers of lesser size and getting knocked around a good bit too.  That skinny one tossed that behemoth against a rope, which does snap you back like a slingshot as any skilled pugilist like myself knows, and then little runt forearmed that giant's forehead  so hard that it was like the big 'un fell a few seconds before actual contact-now that's fast- at the time I thought it was too fast. Seein as I come from a long tradition of grizzly bear wrangling, I thought  to myself that $10 was an awful lot of spirits for a few broken teeth and the favors of carnival whores that would surely follow my victory. Well, things didn't turn out quite as expected, and in fact my entire jaw was put back together by a local tinsmith. That Ole Colussus Krueger smacked me out black in 5 seconds flat. My pride was injured( and my choppers of course too).
 A few years down the road, I caught up with that sumbitch in Mobile where he was getting ready to brawl that fancy pants Gorgeous George. I couldn't stand for a wrassler knockin' me out fair and square so I pushed past the Pinkertons and rushed the ring. If it were all fake, then I don't think the police would've objected to me gettin in on the make-believe and addin to the marks' fun, but then I ended up spending the night in the jug with all them local cotton pickin', barn burnin',cider sippin',mountain dew swillin' Burger King experts laughin at me.

1001 Tales of Rural Depravity

                  Uncle Rip insists on contributing to this blog. Normally, I wouldn't let this deranged 100 year old rednecks appear in public or have any kind of a forum, but this was getting absurd. Here it goes:

As an advocate for Christendom and the white man in this terrible age, I appreciate the kind words of those who've called me "racist" and "sexist." To them, I says "thank ya." However, there's been some discussion implying that I'm a bit off kilter or even a denatured pig. 

I may be a backwoods, inbred,century old cannibal, but that don't mean I accept any responsibility for having anything to do with this here block, book, log or whatever in damnation that pervert has put up. I just needed a place to stay and a few sneaks of whiskey, and that boy needed a life.... to record.... so this abomination is the result. I got mixed feelings about sovereign Indians and papists, and I don't hold with communists, crossdressers or any other foreign threats! Now, if you'll excuse me I got some white lightning to sip and KFC to shove down my gullet before the X-Files documentary comes on.

Gruff Hobo Honesty

 A few years ago, as a way of working off some community service for repeatedly passing out at the city hall, I found myself  as one of them fancy telephone working volunteers. There was 3 days of training for it, but I was busy watching monster truck re-runs, so I sent 'red nosed' stewy to them meetins for me in exhcange for a few blue ribbons of beer. I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing, but it seemed like a lot of upset folks was callin' to me, whinin', "I don't know why to go on, I'm lonely, etc."
I says,"Pard, you need me to send the police? Ye got an injury? Or  you callin in to vote against allowin' Polynesians in the neighborhood? Cause, these things isn't things anyone can help you with."


   After I heard a shot go off, I figured that one probably did need the police, but I had no address, so what's the point I figures. I'm sitting, answering telephones and feelin' rather important while giving people similar doses of reality. I gets another one of these calls, the last of the night as matter of fact.
 "I'm $600 in the whole, my girlfriend is pregant. it's probably mine, and I keep getting these stress headache,...." 


  Right then, I knows what to do.


"Partner, you need to cash in your chips then, this ole rock ain't working out for you too well."
    
 The other day I was rousted out of slumber by an Officer Friendly what used his night stick to pry me off a particularly comfortable bench. The officer says to me, "Why don't you read the newspaper instead of sleeping under it?"  Now, as I've said on many different buses, in many different lines at the social services office, afront of liqour stores and in any other public forum, I don't believe in newspapers. Which ain't to say they don't exist, but only that the men of the 20th century and I have different priorities. In the old days, we were learned on the Sear's Roebuck calendar, and most of my literal flowers come from that booklearnin'.
   I suppose its because of this swellin  of the gord that I have more stories than I have time to tell.  This damned rumplestiltskin apparition who follows me around For instance, I can't tell you about:


- the real story of Johhny Appleseed-it's really rather vulgar, and those of you at the soup kitchen know I won't hold with it.


- The time when great, great, great, grandpa refused some hobo a drink of water and a  few months later a sulfurin and fiery volcano burned away his 'stead.


- the time I worked at the print shop in Florida,  year 2000, and the boss claimed I made some errror on the ballots we was copyin' fer the state, but that he didn't have time to fix'em.


-  How the Men in Black movie had to be held back in order to turn it into a commentary, err, comedy full of laughter.
  and the list goes on, but I suppose I am open to suggestion.

Dr Centenarian's "The Shame Driven Life"

                                My Deranged Uncles Proposed new self-help book's chapter list:
                         1 Your fears, your guilt, your fault!
                         2 If you ain't careful, it's going to happen
                         3 Better shameful n' safe  than anxiety free and dead
                         4 Yer Obsessions is warnins you should pay attention to!
                         5  Doors locked, bottles out!
                         6 Trying to control the future
                         7 Help your neighbor with his problems too
                         8  Maybe you are just a loser
                         9  You might just want to quit
                         10 Think About Your Death