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Thursday, April 11, 2013



Somewhere, in some small English university, a British scholar plots my demise. He waits for me to try to bandy about some pricy word I've gotten ahold  in an effort to sound learned. He, however, will be familar with verbal beauties both past and present, and he will pounce on my ignorance. You see, we'll start out with a lunch of baked potatoes, asparagus,roast beef and beer, and we'll have a friendly conversation about Jane Austin. He'll sense my weakness already.

 "Perhaps, Ray Ray, old chap, you'd like to go lunting with me." I'll probably then look a bit perplexed.

"Oh forgive me, my colonial friend, lunting is an old English world for walking and smoking a pipe at the same time." He'll then ostenatiously retrieve some Cubanos from his humidor, the kind I would have trouble getting a hold of stateside. We'll walk down the brick courtyard, passing through arched entranceways between buildings and walk by graveyards older than the United States. I'll ask him how he thinks the contemporary politics of Shakespeare's world influenced the text of "Corlianus." He'll pause for a moment.

" Mmmm, well, let me compose my thoughts for a moment. I feel a bit beefwitted"

 "Beefwitted?" I'll ask. "Oh yes, he'll respond. "It once was once thought that eating too much beef would cause one's brain to become inactive...ohohoho-such antiquated folk beliefs are charming."

At this point, even though we'll both have on caps, tweeds coats, and overcoats, we'll be cold and once again hungry. We'll go to one of England's innumerable, hunded year old pubs. The good professor will scan the tavern for colleagues, until he sees them sitting at some varnished log table, drinking cider and ale and eating God knows what...rancid haggis. "Ewwwww, good doctor, I hope you don't mind if my lesser colleague and I join you. I don't wish to groak, that is to say hang around until you invite me to sit down and eat."

Of course, the other scholars would invite him to sit down and discuss the finer points of linguistics over some food and drink. I would have little to say, and I would simply keep drinking. Eventually, the academics would move on to some harder drink. In my honor, some liquer would be brought to the table for me to pour into everyone's glass, but you'll recall that I've been drinking for awhile now-I've gotten sloppy.
"Oh, do stop pouring the liqeur all over the table," Professor will roar, snatching the bottle away from me. There's nothing worse than a man who jirbles!"

"I haven't been drooling!" I'll protest. To which the whole table will snicker in response. "Listen here," says an irate, eavesdropping barkeep, "to jirble is to pour with an unsteady hand, and if you can't hold your pint, you shouldn't be at the pub."
"In fact," angry professor will bellow, "I think it's  a goodtime for you to catch a flight home. No doubt your wife is taking advantage of your absence, and she is likely with squirrel." You'll have to figure that one out yourself.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Going to The Streets For My Fix

           I can't say that I've seen any words that I've gotten hung up on lately, nor have I been reading any authors that seem particularly in love with any words or phrases. At the very least, these authors aren't such obvious logophiles that I can poach off of their words or phrases . So, I am forced to satisfy my word fetish in seedy places. By seedy places, I mean in Facebook instant messenger conversations.
Ray Ray Montoya:
do you have any words that intrigue you?
I've learned "vaguebook" "shipping" and "frenemy" lately.
Nothing that intrigues me, more of just an obsession with saying.
Grandeur/grandiose, colossal, sheepish, fluorescent
Grandeur and grandiose are an interesting pairing. A Google definition search reveals that they are very similarly defined, but with one clear distinction: grandeur is a noun while grandiose is an adjective. It's not hard for me to come up with an example for grandeur: The dictator moved throughout his palace with an air of grandeur. On the other hand, I felt less confident with grandiose. Should I write, "He has a grandiose vision of his nation and its future"?  or "Lady GaGa has a grandiose sense of fashion"?  I apologize for the clumsy pop culture reference; it will not happen again. In the meanwhile, what do you think of those words, examples, this dreaded blog, life, the disappearance of frogs, or what have you?

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Tribal peoples feel a shift in the earth's magnetism, astronomers note an increased rate of expansion of the universe, and North Korea launches a celebratory missile trial, landing just short of the state of Hawaii. Why? You know why. I, Ray Ray Montoya, have deigned to return from my self imposed exile in order to inform, entertain, and enlighten you.

 I talk to the the people, the masses, the fan base and other whom I must inspire. They occasionally enlighten me regarding a word the people or hipsters are familiar that I am not. One such word is "shipping," have you heard of it? As I understand it, "shipping" is a verb that refers to fan-fiction that pairs together two characters who never quite "sealed the deal" in authorized shows or publications. For instance, pre-season 7 Agent Scully and Agent Mulder action is "shipping." In the same vein, fan written speculations involving Captain Picard loving down Dr Crusher would also be shipping. I had never heard the term until someone used it, and I demanded explanation. After that, I began to see it everywhere.

Facebook, like an increasingly less satisfying drug, is hard to stay away from. From a logophile standpoint, Facebook is only interesting in that it generates new terminology all the time! It seems many conspiratorial women (sorry, too much meth in my cornflakes) maintain "frenemies" on their friend's lists, those who are acknowledged in public for reasons economic and social, but who are secretly distrusted and kept close because close is where one keeps her enemies. Sexist of me? A woman tells me that this is done because being friends with the friends of friends maintain peace. Perhaps, and to be fair, my stupid little  conclusion has not been peer reviewed. To be even more fair, I know of men who have had their bosses on the friends list-never a good idea. In some cases, it's cost a dude dearly.

Another word? "Vaguebook" I think that word is self explanatory-one someone posts something intentionally vague and out of context on Facebook. For example, if I were to say "kisses that taste like barley soup" people might think I'm actually making a serious point or referring to an event in my life. Wrong!  I have just recently made a policy of not committing the sin of Vaguebook because I don't want to  be accused of spreading rumors, gossip, what have you, and our words are more important than we seem to think in "The West."

Thursday, January 24, 2013