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Friday, September 16, 2011

The Name Theory and Other Brilliance (If you take this seriously, then consider donating to my charity)

  I had, perhaps have, a friend with several unorthodox, or maybe just irrational, ideas about the laws of the universe. One such law was that the women of Ohio were more likely to share their favors with male suitors than the women of Indiana or Michigan. Yes, the women of Ohio realized that their state was pretty similar in many respects to their other Midwestern neighbors, so in an effort to show them up, they put more out. Some good thinking going on out there.

  There were other theories, but the best the best gift the world of arts&letters was the notion that the names of people were somehow their titles or personality descriptions. I remember he had a particular hang up about women named "Alice" and was convinced that they were prickteases meant to sow chaos among the males of the species. "Pauls" tended to be intellectual and paternal in demeanor. "Cathies,"  we agreed, were " a little slutty, a little nutty."  "Steves" could be hyper, nervous and sometimes treacherous. "Jasons" were often overstated and beligerent, but not without principal and conscience.

   As mentioned, under this theoretical conceit, names could also be functional or descriptive. Carnival barkers and scam artists refer to their dupes as "marcs" ; consequently, suckers or people who look like idiots are "Marks." Honest people are frank-just follow the JustCallMeFrank blog if you need proof(  Trust me, our idea only gets more illuminating. What do you think now of women who are named "Candy"? Names like "Hattie," "Mildred," and "Bubbles" tell you that you're interacting with a geriatric female. Osama Bin Laden, John Wayne Gacy, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Norman Collins, they all tell me that the great writer of the universe intended to give us some prior warning when we're dealing with psychos-watch out for those known by three names. An extra name is to titles what an extra chromosome is to genetics-often a sign of extreme aggression. My father married two women with the same first name, and my Uncle went out with several women with that name as well. Clearly in their primitive limbic minds "Jane"=woman. Aurora, of course, means you're as radiant as a star, celestial yourself perhaps.

 This friend read things into labels and names of businesses as well. Only a woman woman of questionable virtue could own "Kim's Party Store" and taverns known as the Wooden Nickle or Back Door would not escape his notice.  A bar named "Buddy's" seemed  rather pathetic to him-as if asking for friends. We both agreed that bottled water called "DNA" was highly suspect-neither of us wanted to drink water that contained DNA samples. I do miss the conversations with my co-author of these pithy observations, but brilliance only begets brilliance, and by now I'm sure there are new batshit crazy chapters waiting to be written.


  1. You should have put a link to our blog!

    That's right...and this isn't spam...we hate that, and the processed meant substitute in a can. We are a meat substitute in a can. Also, we're drunk.

    ~ Frank et al

  2. Frank,

    Me technoincompetent. Forgive and note that I put your address in the blog at any rate.