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Friday, September 9, 2011

Matrimonial Ineloquence

 This summer I attended 2 times as many weddings than I had ever attended before. Yes, I attended 3 weddings this summer as the office arm candy of the Bible Thumper. Weddings are meant to remind other families of their relative paucity in both family and monetary resources. On of these weddings was held in some idyllic church retreat's cathedral. Another was held at a prestigious conference center on the University of Michigan's Ann Arbor campus. The last wedding was held at country-club in one of Detroit's mega-rich suburbs. No, the world of large families of tall, strapping Aryan men or healthy young women, open bars, outdoors weddings, 10 layered wedding cakes, gourmet dinners, champagne, post 4-course meal pizza is not mine. I appreciate the generosity of my lady's kin and comrades. Hell, I didn't even know them from Adam and Eve, but they still picked up the tab for my vegetarian fettuccine and Cuba libre (s). I'm not here to whine about my small and impoverished tribe, critique the white people dancing at the reception or badmouth the brides.
  No, the usual fascination with words carries over to the toasts of the maid of honor and best man at one of these weddings. It seems to me that one would not necessarily choose a close personal friend, but rather an eloquent and diplomatic spokesperson when it comes to significant toasts. Wedding roles have to be chosen carefully. For instance, your ex has no place at your wedding, lest they joke with your new spouse, "If memory serves, you're going to have quite a night tonight, but don't forget, I hit that first! Hahaha." Neither should your pearls be tossed before bride swine.   An excerpt:
  "Ironically enough, we're both women (off to a great start)" The maid of honor then relates that both she and the bride disliked each other upon first meeting-mainly because they both misinterpreted each other's disdain for a mutual acquaintance. Once they decide it was someone else they didn't like, the maid of honor discovered that "we both love Red Bull and Vodka, Jagerbombs." Later, she related the absolutely heartwarming story of how one morning the bride brought her a Burger King Whopper. She knew "it was love."  In sum, they both love drinking, Burger King, music and God. Unique as snowflakes. By this point in the rant, the rest of the table assented to my earlier assertion that the made of honor was blitzed, bombed,buzzed, crunk, crushed, destroyed, En ditzed, hammered, inebriated, sauced, soaked, tanked, tipsy, toasted. The last thing I remember tuning into hear was that she hadn't always liked the groom, but that she wished them well. The man of honor was equally poetic. "I would say she doesn't deserve to have you, but anyone who would have you deserves you." Careful readers will note that the subtle wordplay changes the toast from praise to an "aw shux" insult.
   Later on, the first words the bride comes over to tell me she had secured a vegetarian meal for me. "Oh by the way, we made sure they made a vegatarian meal for you. You're welcome." I didn't know how to respond. "I don't know what to say. I mean I didn't event to come, but my girlfirend insisted."


  1. wow. so far every wedding and reception I've attended was fairly awesome. but two of those were my sister's, and well she'll not have her wedding be anything but awesome. of course, I got stuck with maid of honor duties both times. ;) and I don't remember what I said. though that had nothing to do with my intoxication, more the fact that it wasn't prepared. When it comes to preparation, I am her polar opposite. :D

  2. I'm being less than generous for the purposes of comedy, but I'm like a fish out of water at some social functions.