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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Misanthrope and his Misnomers

 There are some words and noun phrases that are either inadvertently ironic or are straight-up oxymorons. I have just written one of the ugliest sentences in the English language. In all seriousness, between betting on cockfights, watching pro-wrestling and panhandling outside of the Department of Social Services, I contemplate and get irritated with the inaccuracy of certain terms-although these aren't the words I hate; that's an earlier post. So with no further boring introduction, the list of misnomers begins:

1Dignity Pants: I can appreciate that people lose control of their bowels, bladders, pipes, valves, vents, and other openings, but to me to me adult diapers and the word "dignity" have no relationship whatsoever. Do I have to say it? There's nothing dignified about dignity pants! Grown folks wearing diapers, God bless them, should refer to their layer of protection as their "unmentionable underpants" or something similar.

2 Gentleman's Club: For all of you heathen foreigners, this is the American euphemism for strip clubs or nude show-bars. A bunch of budding perverts, young adults, matured perverts, and drunken bachelors flock to an establishment to gawk at a woman as she embarrasses her current and future family by fucking a pole and playing with herself in front of hundreds of hungry eyes. The "gentlemen" place dollar bills in their zippers, mouths,wherever, anticipating that the sex worker will pry the bill away from them with her lips. Is this what comes to mind when you think of a classy sorta fella? These places should be called "Voyeur's Clubs" or "Slut Venues."

3 Adult Beverages: I find this term often abused when referring to saccharine sweet wine coolers, cheap,weak malt liquor, or even Boone's Farm soda-pop/bum-wine. All of those drinks are preferred by adolescents who are getting used to drinking booze. Seriously, drinkers with any kind of mature taste or 'sense for drink' do not rush to the liquor to celebrate their distinction with a Mickey's 40 Oz. You know, the kind that leaves that ring of green around your lips because the cheap glass bleeds its color? If there's too much fruit or not enough strong flavor, then the alcoholic beverage is probably best referred to as an "adolescent beverage."  Along similar lines, should porno magazines and movies be referred to as "adult magazines or movies"?  I think "high-school boy whack-off material" might be more appropriate.

4 Courtesy Calls: Simply put, the courteous do not call your house, at anytime, asking for money. Imagine a liquor store beggar walking up to you and asking, "Could I do you the courtesy of taking some of your pocket change?" Courtesy calls, in the context of telemarketing, are the worst kind of oxymoron-most telemarketing firms realize this by now and don't use the term "courtesy call."


Gentlemen Callers: Again, I'm hung up on abuse of the word "gentlemen." Having a man come over to your house does not mean you are expecting a "gentleman." No, although you may be planning to play fan waving, sweet tea serving southern belle hostess to a two-time convicted armed robber whose hobbies consist of text-messaging, polishing his grill, and arguing with his other women, you are most certainly not entertaining a gentleman. I would go as far as to say that if  this guy, "Tron," is a gentleman, then anyone is a gentlemen. If anyone is a gentleman, then no one is a gentleman.

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