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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Applachian Wisdom: Zombies

 I was sitting in the general store awhittling away my version of Mrs. Potatowhore and her many tater-toddlers toys when on the television came the cinematic depravity known "Night of the Living that Ain't Dead." It was an abomination in the sight of the man, and I want that known for the record. I watched every minute of it just to verify that opinion.  Cannibalizing ain't a pretty subject and Romeo or whoever made that crap really should apologize fer preachin it or glamorizing such truck.
  I remember as a boy of 15, 16 years old when my paw took the barrels from the still to town. He told us he was gonna be gone for a spell. He told us not to stay out too late, and not to get into the hooch locker unless for medical purposes or to put the baby to sleep. Paw didn't come back right away though. I seen the sun come and the sun come down. These young obsese youngsters don't know about the hunger like I did.  We had some provisions, squirrels to shoot, the well to drink from, and mold potaters in the mold room, but they run out. I had my father's collection of runts and bastards to look on after, and I had to celebrate the holiday of Thanksgivin-If you love your freedom from the Indians, thank a vet by eating turkey, but I digest.. Things was desperate them winter days in the woods.  Thinking of those days reminds me of my ole huntin' hound, Roofus. My but he could tree a varmint or a Mormon. without much time passed.Ole roofus was a good  reliable dog, specially  on a spit ,with some whiskey flavorin too.  It was a tough time fer me and the brood, ya see.My pa, as mentionified earlier on, had a lot of mouths to feed up, 33 children if I recall correctly, and I rarely do.  Well, it got to the point when no one wanted to go to the woodshed with me because of my salivation, but  I figured the less family, the more food, especially when family was becomin.... Well I suppose I shouldn't go into all that, I think you get the pitcher...  Needless to say, two weeks later, when Pa finally came home he were none too pleased. "You demonseed, you hadn't even eaten all the potatoes, and I stepped on a fat squirrel on the way up the trail to the cabin!" I apologized, figured the damage was  done, and was trying to finish the ribs-they was good with the old 'juice- when the old man, not sated with whuppin' me pulled out the Smith and Wesson. Well, I run pretty fast and been a ramblin man by and large ever since.
  Of course, let me get back to the Zombie fixanation you little shits seem to to have. If there are zombies its likely cause they were eaten before they woke up and that's all they remember! It's a known fact that before modern history, Indians ate each other like Kentuckians! The redskins ate each other jes like my clan used to eat the mice, squirrels, stray cats, and other rodents that fell down the well or strayed a little too close to the house, outhouse, inhouse, henhouse, penthouse, well, I digest, you get the idea.It ain't like them Indian ALL have some burning resentment that could bring em back fromt their graves only to wreak havoc on the livin' white men, is it?

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