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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Health Care Wisdomry

  I noticed that the quality folk were makin' their presence known on this health-care debate.  Them that support this legislation seem to be the scienticians, the thinkers, queers, punks, pagan idolaters, just the type of people you'd never want by your side in the case of an Indian raid on your settlement. No these people who've been teabagging against this boondoggle is jus the opposite-the folks who split the logs that build the fort, the farmers who know to circle the wagons and hide the children, wives, whiskey, smoked meat and other valuable properties from the heathen- I ain't a racist, I know not all Indians raid in such a way, just most of em, but I digest.
   Well, being a peaceful man, I find it a right shame that it ever had to get this far, this truculent. The fact is a few Appalachian home remedies could solve most of this affair.   Take one such example, my ma used to have to sit in the shed during her moon-time, but she weren't worried about wilting during that shameful and unhygienic time, nope, she weren't. Her Grandmammy's Grandmammy all the way back to Mayflower or some such told her a simple solution: the rusty nail. Now I ain't gettin excessive vulgar with ya: I mean to say you put a rusty nail in an apple. The professor used to say the little irons in the nail spread throughout the fruit and get the women upright in their shamefulness, but I think the Reverend may be more on the right track. It was the woman who first bit the apple and screwed the human race and puttin a nail in the apple shows how the feminine apple pickin' screwed us. So long as they remember that and take a rusty apple for the team, they get a little bit back from the old man upstairs. On the other hand, anemics should be careful before takin' a bite, always ask granma if there's a nail.
  Now when it comes to venery, grab-ass, rotten-crotch, crotch-crickets, and other filth, take it from a man who has survived a thousand and one Appalachian nights: the answer is a little moldy bread in whiskey and a little medicine rubbed on the wound. Depending on your circumstances, that documentarian from Russia named Borat was a little closer to the mark with his suggestion of gypsy tears- given that Jews, gypsies, certain Catholic orders are responsible for a  good deal of plaguery, it stands to reason that they'd have a natural immunization to'em.
   Doc Ramson used to tell me that when it doubt, call on mister Jim Beam. Ye can put it on wounds that are infected, silence teething infants, cure the doldrums, and drink it during extreme cases of cabin fever.  
   In cases of extreme diseases like so called "cancer," "hepatitis,"  "fatal Aids" and other misfortunes a little witchcraft may be in order. A God-fearin' man ain't proud to use what black magic he learned from the Weird Sisters in the Appalachian Mountains, but you'd be surprised what making a poppet out an Indian’s sock, a little grave dirt, human hair and toad’s blood will do.   Ya gotta make a graven image of the being in question and affect it powerful in some way, but pard, ya probably shouldn't practice witchcraft unless you know a reliable midwife, lesbian, or some other devilry practitioner.

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