Life Imitates The Jerry Springer Show

It wasn’t all that long ago (just under a decade) that I was “seeing,”  if that’s what you want to call it, a woman a good deal older than me. Exact ages don’t matter, but think of Eminem juxtaposed against Joey Ramone. This woman was a bit chaotic and the house was something like “Neverneverland” where her adopted adolescent vagabonds hid away from the terrible world of school, parents, and sobriety. I remember buzzing on the couch, feeling as if I might pass out at any moment while the ultra violent movie American History X played. Two goth 18 year olds were staring at the ceiling, quietly out of touch with their surroundings. One of Ms. Ramones’ sons stealthily reached for my beer. “Hey,” I slurred. “Get your own

beer!”

  Jump ahead about 10 years. Many things have changed, but I guess once you get the nose for a type, you just don’t lose it. 4 weeks ago I learned after hearing the name “Ms. Ramone” that I was dating her niece--this time think of Eminem as contrasted to Snoop Dogg?!  My life has officially become a bad comedy. Don’t get me wrong. It’s never been a show worth seeing, but with this twist we’ve entered sit-com material. Oh hell, let’s take the dive into Jerry Springer country.

Jerry Springer “Our guest today is Ray Ray Montoya. Ray Ray Montoya has been seeing Bible Thumper for over a year now and says they enjoy a nice relationship, but today Ray Ray has something he needs to tell Bible Thumper.”

Ray Ray Montoya
“Sweetheart, you know I love you, and I’d never do anything to hurt you, right?”

Bible Thumper

 “ Well, I love you too, but you took me on Jerry Springer, so I wanna hear what you have to tell me…”

Ray Ray Montoya

  “Well, ten years ago, you aunt and I…”

Bible Thumper rushes Ray Ray Montoya, slapping him repeatedly.

Springer’s heavies pull an angry Bible Thumper away. They both return to their Seats.

Jerry Springer “Well, Ray Ray, we have some more excitement for you. Everyone, would you please welcome Ms. Joey Ramone!”

Ms. Joey Ramone “First off, I’d never do this in real life, but since this is Ray Ray Montoya’s ----- up little day dream….”

Ms Joey Ramone runs towards Ray Ray Montoya. “Who the _____ do you think you are? Are you that desperate for a blog entry?” Bible Thumper joins in on beating. Estranged family reconciles. Ray Ray Montoya checks into internet addiction rehab.