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Thursday, August 11, 2011


       Generalizations are fun, and distrust is prevalent in these parts. For that reason, I thought it might be fun to make a list of professions that I don’t trust. Statistically, most people will tell you that lawyers, bankers, and politicians and the least trustworthy, while police officers, nurses, and doctors are the most trustworthy. I don’t have much interaction with politicians, bankers, and lawyers, but I suspect drug-use on the part of those of who find doctors and police officers to be especially trustworthy. Welcome to Mr. Montoya’s neighborhood. Here’s my list of untrustworthy professions. The order is personal, but not necessarily from greatest to least or vice-versa.

1 Cops 
If you think cops don’t lie, then you clearly haven’t had much interaction with them or have been mystified by the gleam of the badge. Detectives routinely lie to suspects to get them to confess, “we’re not looking to prosecute you, but we do need to know what happened.” Similarly, if you’ve even been arrested, scrutinize the police officers arrest report. Cops complain about the unreliability of eye-witnesses and people at crime scenes, and similarly criminals and witnesses ought to complain more about the dubious memories of cops. Suddenly 32 year old pastors turn into foul mouths, 5’4 mothers become brawlers, etc.  Cops are often more honest than most coming into the job, but as seasoned veterans  if they "know" you’re guilty and lack evidence, they’ll make the evidence they need.

2 Doctors 

Do you really think doctors are equally committed to each patient? Doctors working in public hospitals, treating the beneficiaries of social services likely don’t have enough minutes in the day or patience in the soul to give poor patients the same amount of attention they give to the more prosperous patients who show up to their private suburban practice, located in some air conditioned office park. Similarly, while all doctor’s are expected to be competent, some seem to be a little more competent than others. Who hasn’t heard of an inveterate doctor who ignores the little requests of patients? I know of incompetent surgeons who’ve nearly cost patients their lives because of their errors, but less dramatically, I’ve heard about patients who had to argue with their doctors to give them prescribed follow-up treatments that their doctor forgot about, or who had to insist on renewing their prescriptions that their doctors insisted they didn’t prescribe. Forewarned is forearmed! Ray Ray Montoya is putting you on notice: the medical profession closes ranks and protects a fair amount of drunks and amnesiacs!

3 Waitresses

    Waitresses are very often beautiful women who put a lot off effort into charming diners who they find annoying or unmemorable.  There’s nothing wrong with  wait staff flirting with diners- it makes the experience more enjoyable, but I’ve seen more than a few waitresses give bogus phone numbers or falsely promise to meet up with customers who didn’t quite understand that waitresses are always on the clock.

4 Truck Drivers

    Up for days at a time in some cases, fueling themselves with high doses of caffeine and stimulants, and in many cases coming home for only days at a time, more than a few truckers have been psychopaths. People with keens noses have told me that truck-stops reek of stale sex, and looking in truckers gift shops where very often all sorts of mace cans and blackjacks are sold along with standard smut, I do wonder what cargo a teamsters carries with him. I sense some of you will think this generalization is just plain unfair and simplistic.  To which I reply that all of these generalizations and bits of hearsay have been unfair and simplistic, but let me ask you this. When you see an Asian massage parlor or “adult” book store with a sign that say “truckers welcome” what does that bring to mind?

5 Clowns (Mimes/Santa Clauses/Costumed Types)

It’s a small minority of people that actually find red-wigged, ivory painted grown men who make honking sounds amusing. I’m not convinced that most children find them amusing, but even if they did, most children think Mcdonald’s is the best restaurant around and that the Jonas Brothers are a considerable musical talent. Most adults find them annoying as shit and are a little frightened of whatever the make-up, large shoes, obnoxious clothing and wig are concealing. Same principal applies to anyone who wears extensive make-up or costumes professionally. See Stephen King’s “It” or Rob Zombies “The Devil’s Rejects” for a more accurate and therefore less disturbing interpretation of clowns.

6 Landlords

 I get too angry just saying the word “landlord” to be wry, insightful, or even amusing about landlords. Landlords get paid each month for merely owning something that you live in. In my experience, important repairs or maintenance can be delayed a few days or even months, but a more regular schedule is kept where rent is concerned. What more can I say about a profession that allows parasites to make more money than they ever invested in their property while causing tenants to struggle each month just to survive? Like bad parents, they don’t spend a lot of time helping you do things to be better or more responsible individuals, but they are more than ready to assert themselves every time the control freak they bottle up gets loose.

  Haha, and that’s how I ruined a perfectly good dinner with the Pope. Where was I? A laugh a second around here.  I won’t delve too deeply into the more obviously or clichéd untrustworthy professions, only to say that security guards don’t have extensive background checks, training, or authority-but they usually want the last two, Catholic priests are men who are choosing not to marry or live with women, and many overly enthusiastic store managers are wannabe-professionals who have deluded themselves that they are going places and make their employees miserable in the meanwhile. And before I go, unskilled temporary day laborers are most often ex-cons, drug addicts, and transients. Do you feel as dirty for reading this as I do for writing it?

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