My friends and I, when we’re not busy doing hours worth of lawn-care or checking on our investment banking and hedge funds, like to discuss the kinds of reality television shows we’d create if we had money to invest in stupidity. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that the Fox network would broadcast anything from snuff-films to midget porn if it thought it might result in profits, so good taste need not inhibit our imagination. Some ideas:
-MAN VS BEAST: The show would pit humans against animals both directly and indirectly. The first half hour segment might feature men trying to roll over vehicles, then bears or big cats trying to do so. In a more Homer Simpsonesque vein, the second half could see cash-strapped or overeager celebrities in physical combat with animals. Tell me you wouldn’t like to see Flavor Flav or William Shatner box a muzzled and gloved polar bear! Of course as America gets more “Romanized,” the show can get more gladiatorial or brutual-but only with the well being of the celebrities. The trained animals would be the real stars.
Fox/Sky/Murdoch will be working overtime trying to find anything socially redeeming about this show. In essence, this show will be camera crews following around morbidly obese families and paying special attention to their eating habits. Meals catered by fast food restaurant chains would be the highlight of the show, and producers could pay bonuses to the personages of the program for rolling around in tubs of gravy, making head dives into pizza, and forgoing utensils. Other highlights might include a trip to the fair-the family bouncing around in inflatables, public pool outings, and irate family members going to diners.
If you’ve ever see the Taiwanese or Japanese parliament when things break down, then you’d understand my bold vision. Nothing is more exciting than elected officials breaking out into fisticuffs. After a few weeks of stock footage, from Asian parliaments, the show could announce it was moving westward, promising 15 minute interviews with participants in E.U. or American parliamentary/ legislative brawls. Be honest, you could think of a few demagogues and media-whores who would love to show their “zeal” and “passion” by commenting on footage of themselves in brawls with their political opponents. Initially, we’d have to settle for elected officials, local and national, but we could extend the format to include any celebrity fighting in an open forum or formal setting. It would get to the point that anytime Pat Buchannon went on MSNBC promos would hype it up as follows “Will the conversation be intellectually stimulating, or will the fascist Irishman express himself the way he does best? Find out tonight.” Something tells me O’Reilly might just be egomaniacal enough to call out any number people in hopes of boosting his ratings-only to get his dentures knocked out.
When Women Betray:
It is my sworn and solemn duty to remind you that reality television isn’t quite reality. With all the scenarios being so contrived and the personages so coached, it’s seems more like television improv to me. “When Women Betray” would be reality television in name only. Ice-T, since he does anything, can host this show and introduce each segment before going to the “real life” footage of actresses conspiring against their men. One segment might have grainy footage and poor audio with sub-titles of a woman hiring a hit-man to off her aging, wealthy husband. The scene could end with detectives and the spurned spouse kicking down the door and slapping the cuffs on the woman. The husband could really ham it up, screaming about betrayal and how meaningless it’s all been. Another segment could purport to show the very moment a woman decides to cheat on her man. There could be about 15 minutes of an evil, flirtatious courtship, then the kiss. Fade to black. My favorite show will involve a man looking from the outside in as he see his brother and his wife in bed, obviously getting entangled. He then storms in, shooting both of them. A good natured Ice-T wraps up by saying, “Unfortunately, Marc is facing murder charges for the shooting deaths of his wife and brother. While we here at “When Women Betray” certainly don’t advocate breaking the law, I think it’s safe to say we’d all want to do the same thing.”
YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHO’S GAY!
Misleading television executives would sign dubious contracts with various celebrity closet-cases. The celebrities might think they were being paid to make appearances or appear on more conventional reality television shows, but the fine print would reveal that “YOU’D BE SURPRISED WHO’S GAY” had the right to show up to their homes, haunts, and private functions at anytime they so desired. Let the forced outing begin! Cameramen could burst in on Kevin Spacey en flagrante with his “personal assistant.”
Tom Cruise could be recorded shouting “It’s not gay if I’m on top” while in the throes of passion, disillusioning his fellow upright Thetans.